Have you thought about WHY you put your oxygen mask on first before your kids? Logically, it makes sense. Emotionally though, many women (myself included!) can fall into the habit of putting others first. Not that men don’t have these tendencies, but with women it is truly an epidemic.
And we wonder why we don’t have work-life balance?! We say yes to things we don’t want to say yes to and end up feeling depleted and resentful. We then beat ourselves up for saying yes and become angry at our friends, husband, kids, or boss for even asking. (And let’s be honest…maybe no one asked, but we took it upon ourselves to (over)deliver on something we were sure they needed.) So here you are, walking around even more tired, stressed, upset, and sadly with even less willpower to say no to the next request. All this to avoid feeling selfish. (Selfish is a catchall phrase for all the emotions we feel when we put ourselves ahead of others.)
What is the definition of selfish? The Oxford dictionary states “lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.” At some point the definition of selfish shifted for busy moms, entrepreneurs, and business women. Follow my math for a second. “Concerned chiefly” means mostly or greater than 50% of the time focused on me and my needs. But at some point, giving others anything less than 100% became selfish. Notice how we women can even take this a step further and call ourselves failures when we aren’t giving our family and career everything we have. When critical self-talk rolls around in your daily thoughts, it damages your self-esteem. Begin to notice the “truth” of these labels that you are assigning (or maybe others are assigning) to your thoughts and actions.
WHEN DID HAVING BOUNDARIES TO PROTECT OUR EMOTIONAL/PHYSICAL WELL-BEING BECOME SELFISH? WHY IS IT ALL OR NOTHING?
In Coaching, we often do an exercise where we “reframe” the facts of a situation to give you a healthier perspective. I thought, if you are game we might do that here.
Our topic: Selfish women who say “no” to others to say “yes” to themselves (and their need for renewal). What kind of value system is in place if a woman puts her needs before her kids, family, friends and community?
Now, how else could we look at this? Here are some possible ways to shift how we view our roles and responsibilities:
- “By taking time to rejuvenate I have MORE energy to give my family, friends, and community. I am MORE focused and pleasant. I am really THERE for my kids during conversations about school. I am not glaring at my husband reflecting on what a martyr I am to keep things running smoothly. With a wick and some wax left, you can keep the home fires burning!”
- “An hour for ME out of 24 hours is a VERY reasonable amount “spent” on me. (FYI, 1 hour = 4.2% of your day) An hour focused on self-development, makes me more prepared to handle the storms that arise in life. I am a skilled handyman ready to take on any repair or emergency with a fully stocked toolbox.”
- “By saying no to a request that distracts me from my goals, I am guaranteeing my time and energy will be focused on the people and things that are most important to me. I am offering myself and others “me” at full strength, not some diluted down version of whatever is left.”
- “I am the person that thoughtfully says yes or no to what I value. My co-workers and friends admire that I have strong boundaries. I am modeling for my children how to focus on their roles and goals and not let outside distractions get in the way. My behavior and respect for myself are the BEST LEGACY I can leave my children!”
5%=One Hour of Gold!
Examine how a new perspective changes how you label yourself. What specific shift will change your negative self-talk? Be aware that repetition is key to rewire old stories and old labels. Take 120 seconds to write down one “reframe” (or combination of) that resonates with you! Put it everywhere – on your bathroom mirror or fridge, in your purse, use it as a bookmark. Close your eyes and envision yourself becoming this person – less stressed, calm, engaged.
Notice, this isn’t all or nothing? Giving a little to yourself means more energy to focus on others. By saying no to activities/people that steer you away from your priorities and the roles you hold most dearly, you can reclaim time for self-renewal. Shoot for small increments, 1-5% at first. This equates to only 20-60 minutes a day! Choose one thing you can do to start your renewal. Congratulate yourself when you complete it!
Women need to be encouraged by other women to stop the cycle of guilt and judgement. Sometimes, people need to be shown how to be compassionate towards themselves. Share this with a friend and agree to help each other get off the martyr train.
Please share your comments below as to what is working for you OR what you will commit to.
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